What If...

What if, the words you say to me, kill me.
What if I said I love you, to anyone, would they hear or understand my words?
What if it is only shouts of wild woman in my head screaming for the world to start falling.
What if the sentence I started only ends the same.
What if I miss you, but you know I don't, can't, won't.
What if I only miss an idea of something that never was.
What if it was only a coffee pot and peanut butter ice cream?
What if I don't care either way, but truly I do not care.
You, I can't care, I won't care, they say I shouldn't care, but I....
I lie, I shout, I don't know what I mean.
I want something beautiful, and I ended up on you.
What if I smile and they know?
What if i frown, and they know more?
It was once a lie, turning against...just a story.
What if it more than just a story, history, repeating and setting it self up to repeat again, and again, until this circle only destroys us?
The memories of lies scream in my head, and I cry hoping they don't hear and judge.
What if I say sorry, to someone who knows no story, and it doesn't matter, yesterday is only tomorrow and far away.
What if I remember more than I say, but it's all lies, please tell me it's all lies. I don't want my story to end and start w/ you. You shouldn't, you can't be, I will not allow you to be.